


Things You Give Me and those You Don't (I want the most)

by spnsmile



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angry Dean Winchester, Castiel & Sam Winchester Friendship, Castiel in the Men of Letters Bunker (Supernatural), Claire Novak in the Men of Letters Bunker, Cute Castiel/Dean Winchester, Domestic Castiel/Dean Winchester, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Family Feels, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Love/Hate, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-20
Updated: 2019-12-20
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:53:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21867826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spnsmile/pseuds/spnsmile
Summary: It's Christmas. Cas and Dean don't talk a lot while Sam is happy with Eileen. Cas sees Dean detaching himself from the family picture and goes to confront him. Dean gives Castiel a Christmas gift probably to mock him but there are feelings rushing out of pain and future abandonment.Luckily Cas likes his Christmas shirt with two snowmen bearing so much meaning. And there's a mention of his carrots too. Dean thinks Cas doesn't get it. Who really knows what's inside an angel's head?
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Comments: 6
Kudos: 47





	Things You Give Me and those You Don't (I want the most)

**Author's Note:**

> Season 15 compliant but it's a fix fic so we all should be happy! Sorry for the douse of angst! And yes, it's the Christmas sweatshirt Misha was wearing on their Christmas choir for Speightjr ❤
> 
> Enjoy!

It's already December and Castiel is still not pulling his punches. He walks out of every room once Dean enters. He doesn't look Dean in the eyes and exchanges the briefest words, sometimes just a syllable. 

He shows Dean his frustration, his anger. It's the only way to make himself put that pain into actions. If not, he knows he would automatically fall beside Dean. Would automatically eliminate that space and care for Dean. 

Dean makes it easy though, with all his eye rolls and shake of head. Castiel is excused for being impolite.

But there's something that has changed in the Bunker since he left, or maybe someone. It's not just the sudden decorations for Christmas festivities that began it nor a woman's touch in the Bunker he thought he'd never see after Mary.

Castiel hasn't been back long in the Bunker but all he can hear, aside from the head rolling Christmas carols that are actually more morbid than they sound, are the familiar light voices of Sam and Eileen sharing moments. 

It must be the Christmas festivities. It must be the sudden Christmas tree in the middle of the library. Even the blinking Christmas lights. But just maybe, maybe something has altered.

Sam's friend Eileen, girlfriend now makes a very significant change in Sam's life. Cas watches Sam closely. He seems happy. Genuinely content. The hurt Sam he left behind was able to find a reason to be happy despite everything and this Christmas? It seems Sam is finally ready to start anew. And Dean?

Dean would still sit in the library with Sam and Eileen exchanging plans and ideas in his same old sarcastic self. He would cheer, would smirk, would sometimes give Cas a side glance before they are both rolling their eyes. To Castiel's amusement, Dean's first comment on the christmas tree was actually, "Where's the Christmas topper?"

And then wiggles eyebrows at Cas like they aren't in the middle of conflict. Castiel meant to reply, the urge to retort just to give Dean the satisfaction that he isn't Dean's topper whatever it means.

Dean would smirk so annoyingly. Then he would fall silent. Castiel would see him cast Eileen and Sam a furtive glance, and then would quietly smile to himself. 

A smile so sad Castiel would stare at him till Dean is looking his way. 

Eyecontacts burn. First time Castiel sees the hunter look genuinely like the soul he has always seen buried behind those lashing green eyes. Suddenly, Castiel is no longer concerned with Christmas and it's ridiculous hold on the walkers of earth. 

Gradually, Dean would disappear in the library, in the war room, even in the kitchen where Dean reigns as owner. Amidst the buzzing Christmas songs of "When Christs was borns" when the Messiah wasn't technically born on this 25th, Castiel endures. He spared Eileen the knowledge, having repeated this to Sam and Dean before. Except Dean no longer is in the same room as him. Or anyone when he chose not to. Castiel would close his eyes. He would hear Dean pacing around the Bunker somewhere else. Somewhere far. Castiel doesn't say but he notices it.

Dean's absence always takes a grand hole in his space on earth. Moments he keeps reeling back to the question where Dean might be. He will hear Dean in his room. Hear Dean even in the shower or when talking gruffly to other hunters on his phone. But Dean's presence where he usually occupies, gradually sinks to nothingness.

Sam seems not to notice because Dean is smart to appear every time his brother might be looking, always entering with a scenario or bursting noise just so Sam and Eileen would look scandalize. The same he did on Thanksgiving. Sam would look annoyed and embarassed sometimes. Would shoot Dean pleading look of "stops it" and "I will murder you in your sleep".

Dean would give him mocking smirks in turn then he will disappear for lapse of times. Moments where Sam would be thankful for his idiot brother's absence.

So that Sam wouldn't notice.

Castiel does. Castiel knows every time Dean would slip away from the war room when Sam and Eileen would fall in their zone. Castiel knows how Dean would calculate his timing of standing up from the library chair, or pretending he's just spent the entire afternoon researching when Eileen and Sam come in even if he's just opened his laptop.

He knows when Dean stops halfway to the kitchen when Sam and Eileen are having a good time.

Castiel knows Dean's effort to make sure Sam doesn't get suspicious. But to the angel, everytime Dean would walk out of the door and stop to look back at his brother, he only sees a man happy for Sam.

Out of that corridor, Castiel can only guess what Dean's expression looks like.

"Hey, Cas," Sam says on Christmas eve when the angel brought the utensils from the washbin Eileen is doing. They just had a good meal, at least Castiel is spared the question if it was any good. He complemented Eileen though, until Sam is on him.

"What's wrong with your hands?"

Castiel looks at his fingers and is surprised to find them raw red from clutching the armchair. He guessed it's from trying to stop himself running after Dean. The angel sighs and puts his hands on his pockets where he pulls a torn remnant of the christmas wrapper he opened just awhile ago.

He remembers seeing Eileen and Sam exchange gleeful looks from the library table. Sam looks contented and for once as Castiel gives his friend a quick look, there's a strange peacefulness in his soul.

Castiel wishes Dean saw it. He's sure Dean did. But Dean is not around.

After the exchange of gifts, where Dean only gives him a long suffering look but doesn't give him anything, the hunter slips away again. Last year, Dean gave him a pair of bee sleepers he still hasn't remove from it's package for reservation.

"Too much application of unnecessary strength on non-struggling object." he explains quietly. Sam gives him a funny look.

"You like your gift? Eileen got you a tie. She says wearing pure white will emphasize your eyes more."

"I am not so sure. But I like the purity of it. I just hope it doesn't get dirty."

"True." Sam frowns, claps Castiel's shoulder before getting engaged with Eileen.

Castiel watches them. But soon his mind is flying to Dean. Usually on the same evening, the brothers would stay together late bantering and bickering and laughing. Castiel would stay to listen, satisfied with the small haven provided by the two. It doesn't seem to be the case this year.

Castiel looks over the doorway going deeper into the Bunker. Listening. Not in his room. Not in the kitchen. Nor the shower or gym.

The Dean Cave has been empty for ages.

Castiel closes his eyes, willing his instinct to find that part of him he's always sought for. When he opens them he knows exactly where to go.

Castiel soon left his chair, certain that no one in the room even noticed. He makes sure to carry the two valuable gifts he got, keep it in the room he presently occupies, then goes on hunting for Dean.

He finds Dean in the garage, busily cleaning the Impala. His black shirt is rolled up his shoulder. The muscles do not bulge the same way Castiel remembers with some asperity. Dean has lost some weight. Castiel tries to remember the last time he saw Dean eating a luscious meal with his worshipping expression and undulated look. 

A long time.

A very long time. Dean hasn't eaten quite the same. Hardly even stayed in the kitchen since well... A pang of pain has Castiel stepping closer. It's like he's lost a part of himself with Dean in the kitchen. It's like a part of Castiel has lost half of its joy in the world. With Dean just simply being happy cooking meal for the people he loves.

Castiel makes his presence known with a clear of throat, his hands painfully jammed deep in the pocket of his trenchcoat.

Dean notices him and nods in his direction casually. Their eyes meet for brief seconds before Castiel drops his eyes. He can't help it. Looking at Dean still hurts even when both have reached an impasse. At least Dean is no longer snapping at him. He does have occasional roll of eyes, but then Dean always does that anyway.

Castiel is just more sensitive these days.

"You need something?" even it sounds toned down from Dean's usual grumpy approach.

"No." Castiel doesn't. He just finds himself seeking Dean's presence. Like how a fish would miss water. Oh. That's right. 

He misses Dean. 

"So... You here to watch over me or something? Thought you got fed up with that and aborted the exodus?"

"I was not a participant of Exodus. I was merely one of the spectators."

Dean grunts and Castiel hates the forced insinscerity in the rumble of his voice.

"Although, I was there on the field when Moses parted the ocean. Had to make sure no demon would interrupt the grand alignment of water and no ambush happens. Otherwise literature will be telling a different story."

"Yeah, I can imagine. Moses leading extinction of half a country wouldn't appeal to believers." Dean snorts 

Castiel sharply glares, but Dean is not looking at him. In fact, Dean is even smiling in spite of himself. Just so Dean. The angel rolls his eyes.

But he isn't here to fight with Dean.

"Um..."

"Hands in the air." Dean suddenly shouts and Castiel awkwardly catches a large wrapped gift heading his way. The angel blinks at the blue wrapping in his hands, then turns to Dean.

"I didn't get you anything." he blurts out, overwhelmed. Dean only smirks and turns away.

"Like I'd expect you to, after everything. It doesn't matter."

Castiel wants to say it does feeling slightly mortified that he did not prepare anything for Dean. Sam got a bottle of mustard from him, Eileen even a black apron. Dean? He didn't think Dean would accept it. Castiel gives the gift a murderous glare for surprising him, then rips the parcel.

"This is..."

Dean looks up and grins. "Matches your eyes."

Castiel tilts his head.

A blue woolen sweater with gray stripes at the hem, three snowflakes by the chest and two dorky looking snowmen looking at each other springs in the front design.

He stares at the two snowmen, one clearly mocking the other with a stolen carrot nose. The poor snowman looks grumpy without a nose.

Dean snorts when he witnesses the roll of expressions from the angel. Castiel gives him a narrowed look.

"Thank you." he says, quietly returning the material inside the wrapper and putting it carefully down the table nearest to him. He makes sure it's far away from the splatter Dean is making. He bodily turns to the hunter.

"You like it?" Dean fixes him a look.

"Aside from the subtle mockery of two snowmen you seem to imagine as ourselves... 

"Is it ugly?"

"It's pretty ugly." but only because Castiel knows it's the thing Dean wants to hear. The look of smug satisfaction on his friend's face has the angel rolling his eyes.

"You're welcome." Dean beams in what looks like a first time between them. Castiel finds himself getting drawn.

"Dean..." he takes a step.

Dean is still smiling when he looks up again, but when the hunter notices Castiel's grave expression, his smile disappears.

"You don't need to wear it if you don't want to." Dean mutters, deflecting quickly and without reason.

"It's mine to decide now that I own it."

"Right." Dean replies with gritted teeth.

"Dean."

The hunter waits but Castiel wavers. 

"Spit it out, Cas or I can't turn my back on you."

"I'm not going to do anything even if you turn your back, Dean." Castiel snaps a little harshly, more angry at himself for hesitating.

"That's a turn off." Dean nonchalantly wipes the side hood with some force and wiggle of his backside. Castiel stares.

"Dean." he starts again.

There's a long drawn sigh from the hunter. Then an exasperated, "Maybe tell me tomorrow when you make up your mind?"

"Not tomorrow." Castiel shakes his head. 

"Then what got your talons griping?"

"Your brother and Eileen..." he watches Dean's expression slowly change. But it's the usual raising of eyebrows up the line of his hair, like Dean can't believe he's having this conversation.

"You mean the royal couple of Nerdiac?" Dean chuckles, ducking down to grab the bucket of water beneath him and rinsing off soap from his car in one swoop. Castiel squints his eyes. He sees Dean okay and even hear the sincerity when the hunter laughs some more, his eyes not showing anything resembling resentment.

Dean's okay, the angel surmises.

"They seem pretty close." Castiel presses.

"Yeah noticed it too, huh? They kinda been kicking off the place all over with domesticity bliss it's makin my skin crawl I wanna kick Sam for being too into her, y'know what I mean?" he puts the bucket down and glances at Cas. "You come down here to complain bout all the sweet touches and giggly eyes? That right up my alley."

Castiel watches Dean walk around the trunk of the impala and check the contents. He doesn't move from his spot. He even thought Dean has forgotten about him because he doesn't emerge from the trunk at all. Castiel can hear number of things going on in there.

"You're always cleaning your car." Castiel notes.

"Never a day I didn't." Dean replies with the jangling of metals and shuffling of other object there. "Besides it's Christmas."

Castiel shakes his head again. That's not it.

"The imapala always seem heavy these days... Like you're always keeping it loaded."

"You gotta have loaded guns all the time, don' you?" Dean's tone has gotten rough.

"I don't use guns."

He can hear Dean chuckling again, still not emerging. Still not showing his expression.

"Dean." Castiel almost sighs the name. It's the only thing he has been able to do since coming back. This time Dean doesn't answer. Almost as if knowing mutually what the angel is about to say. 

"You're planning of running away, aren't you?"

All the sounds coming from the trunk of the impala subsided until gone. Even Dean's breathe. Like the whole universe has stopped in that briefest moment, even for the angel. He knew it was something like this.

For many weeks, he's figured out Dean's plan. Isn't that hard to read a man you know so well.

A man he looked after for years through the happy and the pain. Not hard to know Dean's next move when people begin moving on from him. That one aspect of Dean that never changes. 

_Leaving_.

Castiel waits patiently, eyebrows furrowed in concern. Dean doesn't move a muscle. It takes a minute or two, then he sees Dean's hand reaching to the open lid. He tugs it down and shuts the trunk, green eyes on the angel.

There's more than enough staring contest again, then Dean shrugs.

"Maybe."

"Why?"

"Why not? I mean, world's big. Gotta settle somewhere else."

"Did you tell Sam?" Castiel is desperate to get his answers. Because when Dean means to, when this hunter means to never be found, no one living on earth will. And Castiel finds himself afraid of that.

The hunter's silence is all the goading the angel needs.Castiel blows his horns with all questions that has been burning in his mind.

"You didn't did you? Because you don't think Sam will agree? Do you really think Sam won't need you anymore?" Castiel is even surprised at his own bluntness but he hates it. He hates the way Dean is coping. Like eliminating himself from the picture is always the answer. 

Dean thinking this way. Like he doesn't matter. Like no one would notice his absence. Like Castiel isn't there at all.

So Dean like.

Dean gives him a curious look and it's Castiel who finds himself steeling his eyes, finally able to hold Dean's gaze again. It has Castiel a little apprehensive, to see Dean so determined. It suggests the hunter has already made up his mind.

Castiel can't... At least, not let Dean go without properly fixing things. No. He can't let Dean go. Their gazes set flame to their difference. But Castiel doesn't want to lose.

Not lose Dean.

The hunter bows his head and Castiel curses, pulling his eyes away. He doesn't want for this to end in a fight, but he doesn't want Dean thinking it's okay either.

"Cas?"

A few minutes silence.

"Cas, look at me."

Castiel raises his eyes again. He meets the hunter's penetrating look with a defensive frown. He sees Dean smiling warmly. Despite the man's unsatisfactory frame, Dean looks pretty much healthy and at peace.

"You really think this would hurt me? Sam ditching me for a girl and proceed with the divorce?" 

Castiel can hear the grin eating Dean's face.

"I'm just concerned with how this development will affect your relationship with Sam..."

"Cas, Sam has a girl friend and I'm freaking happy fuck I'm in heaven!" Dean suddenly gushes, opening both hands with eyes twinkling.

Cas frowns. "You're not in heaven."  
Dean rolls his eyes.

"I mean, it's one thing to believe you'd never get happiness, it's another to just... Let it happen you know? You think I forgot how he was when Jess died? You think I ever wanted to see him like that again? When this thing with Chuck began I... I thought I'd go insane. But Sam's proven he can still find happiness, on his own. And I'm proud of him for that. I am not gonna bitch about this, Sam deserves this. I'm not some clingy brother everyone seems to think I am. I know when I need to go. Sam's finally happy, what more do I need? My brother's family, I'd do everything to protect it."

"I know you do. You've been doing that your whole life, but Dean," Castiel really looks at Dean this time. Even takes several steps forward. The closes distance he's ever given Dean.

"When you say everything..."

Dean's face turns somber. 

"Means exactly it is." Dean affirms, walks pass Castiel, leaving the angel contemplating with deep concentration in his eyes.

"Dean," Castiel says, turning slowly to Dean who has began ascending to the upper floors. Dean stops and turns to the angel, "You mean... One day you're just going to drive your car away-"

Dean groans.

"It's not just a car, Cas, it's my baby." the hunter looks about to say more, but only ends up licking his lips. "But yeah, that sums about the ending of this relationship. I go away, Sam with the girl. It's back to square one."

"What are you going to do?"

"Y'know... same things, family business. You can't have enough hunters around. I'm not staying here with Sam when he's planning to make his family bigger. Heck, he can even make his own family here-"

"They too are your family! You know they would want you to stay!"

"I can't."

"Why?" Castiel steps in front of Dean now, clearly seeing the honesty in his green eyes. 

"Because I'm Dean _fucking_ Winchester."

"That doesn't-"

"I don't stay around to fuck other people's lives anymore, Cas. I've learned a lot... From Sam... From you. It ain't all about all of you keeping up with me but me trying to live with myself... With what I do. Me."

Dean inhales as he says this in one rush of breath. Castiel just studies him, clearly seeing Dean as transparent as ever.

"So you are really planning to run away?"

"Don't be dramatic, I'm not a friggin teenager." Dean gives a comical expression, leaving Castiel just staring, drowning himself in Dean's honesty. In Dean's ability to say all of this without any shadow of doubt. 

With shocking realization, Castiel finally realizes what Dean is saying. That he is planning to live his life anyway. The way he wants it.

So Castiel had it wrong. Maybe Dean doesn't have Sam after all. 

So who does Dean got?

_"I could go with you."_

Dean readily shakes his head.

"No shit, Cas. You're the last person I'd recruit"

"Why? We can make it work out! Look- I promise we won't argue... Or I won't get too annoying." Castiel begins desperately, stepping closer until he is within the hunter's range. 

Castiel knows he can live without Dean. Has proven he can be independent by himself. Can accomplish things when he puts his mind to it. He can survive without Dean, but he doesn't want to.

Clearly... Living is just too different from just existing. He wants to live and if he wants that, he needs this man. He needs Dean.

"I promise I won't do stupid things on daily basis, I promise I won't keep anything from you, I promise to not leave you, so please don't make me! I'll even wear your stupid gift!"

Without waiting for a response, Castiel whips toward the blue wrapper and open its content. He begins fumbling on his tie, undressing, peeling anything on the way, the trench coat falling down the ground followed by his tie, his black coat, then his button shirt.

He hears Dean gasps for some reason, but Castiel unsheds the last peice of his tshirt and is wriggling his head inside the wolly blue sweatshirt. He faces Dean rather fiercely, finding the hunter staring at him with open mouth shock.

Castiel breathes heavily, then loom down the comfortable sweater.

"And no, it's not stupid!" he barks in his gravelly voice, earning several blinks from his friend.

They stare quietly at each other, until Dean is looking at the mess on the angel's feet and chuckling.

"You know, if everyone can strip himself that fast, everyone can have more than just a quicky in five minutes-"

" _I'll even have sex with you_." Castiel growls.

Dean freezes. Actually freezes and the angel rolls his eyes. Oh, he knows Dean. He knows what Dean likes. What Dean prefers. What Dean loves so he flares his nostrils because he's about willing to give Dean anything. Rejection is not a choice now, he will make Dean agree.

"Stop that." Dean says gingerly, uncomfortable walking around Castiel and picking the cloth pieces one by one. Castiel can see his red ears so he knows Dean is not angry. 

"I am serious, Dean."

"I know you are, and you fucking better listen to yourself!"

"I will! Later! Just tell me how I can stay beside you!"

Dean hisses and faces him, all of Castiel's clothes plus his trench coat wrapped in a bundle on his hands.

"Dammit, Cas. You really think I'll tag you along when you're throwing yourself at me like that? Geez, I'd not know what to do with the idea the dude sitting next to me is open for fun. Shit. That'll drive me crazy... Wouldn't be able to promise you I can behave, I know myself and you're not that, Cas. Don't just throw yourself away like that. You are worth more than that to me, someone to hook up to no strings attached."

"Then not hook up." Castiel retorts stubbornly, "But I stay. And if you really can't help yourself, you know I will never deny you anything, Dean. You really think I will just give up myself to anyone? No. It's only cause it's you! So you better take me with you when you go, Dean. Take me with this ugly shirt! Um, no it's not ugly..." Castiel frowns down the sweater again.

They both stare. They both rapidly breathes. Castiel can see Dean's head working, but the angel is meaning to counter whatever the hunter throws at him.

After awhile, it's Dean who calms first.

"Stop defending it, you dork." Dean chuckles despite their messy situation. Castiel glares even when Dean is reaches out, seemingly plucking an imaginary lint on his sweatshirt's chest.

Their eyes meet and there's a flicker in Dean's eyes that quickly abates Castiel's apprehension. 

"Don't leave me." Castiel says quietly. Not desperate, but a request and demand. Dean sucks some air, eyes falling between them.

"There's nothing with me, Cas. I'm nothing."

"Dean, I told you once I thought you had Sam and I'm willing to leave your side because I know you're not alone." Castiel remembers his parting words to his friend, right after Rowena's death. It had been unpleasant, but he had been certain Dean will be okay in the future if Sam's there. Right now he's not so sure. He holds Dean's gaze. 

There's only so much love one can give. Why Dean can't connect with him is solely because Dean doesn't feel worthy enough. But that's all assbut concepts. You don't love when you can't love yourself. He wants Dean to know an angel's love is abundant.

"Dean, listen. Sam will not leave you, I know. But I know you will. You know how I'm so certain? Because we're the same. We use the same excuse to leave people behind believing it's for the better. But Dean if you don't have Sam... I won't let you be alone. Won't you take me instead?"

He searches Dean's eyes, showing him how sincere he is. If Dean is to be alone then Castiel will gladly abandon everything just to join him. Be with him. Not leaving.

Not the first time he prioritizes Dean. Silence greeted his words as the hunter ogles at him. Dean pales a little but he doesn't step away. Castiel nods at him encouragingly.

After a moment, Dean chuckles again but he pulls his eyes and blinks out wetness. When he looks up, Castiel is horrified to see him crying so plainly. The soul inside him breaking. This is more than Castiel anticipated.

"Dean..." his own voice is hoarse.

"You gonna choose me, Cas?" Dean suddenly asks, rough voice trying to steady. Castiel panics. Things are not supposed to be this way. Dean shouldn't be allowed to hurt more than he already does.

In his head, he keeps screaming Dean's name. Begging him to stop. Instead, Castiel takes Dean's wet cheeks to his palms and wipes the incessant tears away. It's ridiculous how much amount of tears Dean has been holding. Like a well of infinity from the depths of his broken soul. 

"Dean... Don't..." he can't take it, he embraces Dean, holds Dean tight in his chest. He lets Dean's head on his shoulder, Dean shaking in his arms. He tries to soothe his pain, tries to calm him with his grace. But like a mountain finally crumbling, nothing in the universe can stop it with its crashing waves and thundering aftershocks. Dean is a wreck.

"I don't get why you'd still choose me after everything." Dean breaks with a rumbling sigh, swallowing hard as he clutches Castiel's back like his life depended on it. Must have depended on it. "I don't deserve a hair on your hair, Cas... "

"That's stupid. I will shave my hair for you."

"Cas, just... Listen.. I... I don't wanna hurt you... Fuck, I hurt you the most... So don't make me... Please don't give me a chance to hurt you..."

Castiel is overwhelmed, his own eyes prickling with tears. He can feel Dean's pain now. Dean's pain again and it's echoing in the vast emptiness on his chest. Dean left a hole there. Now Dean is filling him up, all pain uncluded. 

Still, Castiel takes him, all of him.

"We've hurt each other a lot more than I care to admit... But Dean, we always come out okay afterwards, you and I... There's nothing you can throw at me I cannot handle except... Except when you're gone. So don't. I'd take all the pain, I'd take everything you give me because I'm your friend and your very important to me, Dean. I want to be by yourside. Please let me have it. Let me have your side, Dean."

It takes a moment, but Dean finally nods on his shoulder.

The angel cries like it's natural. He cries with Dean and holds him tight because he knows this closeness is their anchor. He holds Dean like he never plans to let go. There are many things he has experienced on earth because of Dean, mostly with Dean and he is unwilling to continue if it's not this person next to him. Because he trusts Dean.

Because he loves Dean. They will be okay together.

So later that Christmas eve, when Dean asks Cas again why they should remain together while sitting inside the warm comfort of the impala, heads prop together, hands entwined, Castiel turns and pats on his chest.

"These snowmen are together, Dean. Having fun together. I thought that's why you gave it to me?"

"Uhh... Subconciously? You don't want to wear that ugly sweater around, Cas."

"You're right, it is ugly. But I still like it because it's from you. It's very warm too."

When Dean plants a kiss on the side of his head, Castiel blushes and drops his eyes on the material snowmen design. He can't help but giving the snowmen a smirk because yes, like them, Castiel thinks he too can have fun in this little world with the one he chose to spend with. 

He really doesn't find it ugly after all. And he points out to Sam later on that the one without the carrot nose ia Dean while the other one is Castiel with a dick since Dean always calls his kind "dicks" anyway. 

Sam laughs. "No, just take care of your carrot, Cas. Make sure Dean doesn't chomp it away."

The brothers run around the Bunker for entirely fifteen minutes. It's one of the best Christmas Castiel's had.

"Why not just the handstick for a dick, though?" Castiel murmurs after awhile, a sight of him and the hunter in the Dean Cave's couch with Dean's head on his lap. "Why play with nose as dick?"

"I can tell you many inappropriate things but I'm afraid you'd tell Sam and Eileen."

"Are they not suppose to know inappropriate? They are adults, are they not?"

Dean smiles. 

"Are you gonna tell me?" Castiel presses curiously, a hand caressing Dean's hair. 

"In good time, Cas."

"It's a good time now. It's not like you're gonna tell me the snowmen are in that kind of relationship."

"That's exactly it." Dean grins up at him, "Didn't know you can catch up easily."

"The Romans have far darker imaginations." Castiel muses on his sweatshirt again. "Dean."

"What?"

"I just thought of a good gift for you."

"Yeah?" Dean's eyes sparkles as they catch each others' eyes in what appear to be an endless cycle. Dean is grinning infectiously, the angel can't help but feel the same. When he leans down on Dean's ears, he knows exactly what he is doing when he whispers:

"I want to give you my carrot."

He can never forget Dean's reaction with all the blood rushing up the hunter's face it's almost unhealthy. Not to mention that askew movement of his open mouth as Dean sputters incoherent words.

Castiel only tilts his head.

Hopefully. His carrot will be worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> Advance Merry Christmas!


End file.
